Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Randomize
