I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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