Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
