Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
