Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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