please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
