Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
