So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
