i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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