Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Im part way to drunk.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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