Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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