god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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