So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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