got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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