it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
