just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
