I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
