dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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