I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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