Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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