The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
