People with herpes should wear stickers.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
