my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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