I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
