I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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