I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
