that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
