Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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