he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
