My first STD was from a foam party
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
