Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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