his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
