My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
