I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Brb crying the tears of my youth
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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