my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
