I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
