I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
