the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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