Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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