Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
