you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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