If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
