The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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