I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
