And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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