shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
