I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
