Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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