I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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