oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
