so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
