i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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