She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
