there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
