I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
