I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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