This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
