But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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