I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
