ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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