He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize