Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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