My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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