I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
